Movie Review says what?!?! - Part 2

Since this segment seemed to get a pretty good response the last time I posted it, I decided that it was high time to write the sequel. I had been hoping to get another Movie Review say what?!?! post written up before now but I just hadn't come across as many really awesomely bad reviews in the last couple months as I normally do. Have no fear though, those reviews are out there and I will still endeavor to find them. Mostly because they make me laugh but also because I hope they bring a chuckle to you, my dear reader, as well.

For those that missed the first installment of this segment, this is not a place for me to find and make fun of reviews that I disagree with or anything of that nature. You know those reviews that just make you lay your palm across your face and shake your head saying "What the hell is this person talking about?" Well those are the reviews that I take a look at here. To get a good idea of what I like to write about in this column you can click here to check out the first post in the Movie Review says what?!?! series.

I copy and paste these reviews from wherever I find them, whether it be Amazon, Netflix, IMDB or any other review site, completely unchanged and unedited to make sure that you get the full effect of the review. The most I may do to change a review is bold some text here and there to highlight a particular part of the review.

So here we go, the second installment of Movie Review says what?!?! Enjoy the ride.

I think we can start with something fairly simple. This is a short review of The Virgin Spring (1960) from Netflix:

Come on..... what do I think, it is ok and all..... But I did not like it. I think it could be a lot better in color, but it was made in the 60's so..... B&W ruled the day. Wait........ was color out in the early 60's??? I guess I will never know.

Now, I see reviews kind of like this occasionally. I'll never understand why some people find it so hard to watch a black and white movie. Is watching a movie without bright colors really such a daunting task? Personally I find black and white cinematography to be quite gorgeous a lot of the time and The Virgin Spring is definitely a gorgeously filmed movie.

Now this person's distaste of black and white isn't the only reason I chose to put this review here it was also his assertion that he'll never know whether or not there were color films in the '60s. I guess this black and white movies annoyed this person so much that they will never again watch a movie from the '60s or earlier to see if any of the films were in color. I know not everyone loves older movies but I really think that those who don't are really missing out on some great films.

This next review is another Netflix member review, this time for the film Open Water (2004), although be warned this one does contain a big spoiler for the end of the film:

This movie really disappointed me. First of all, the nudity near the beginning was completely gratuitous; it felt like the director included it merely to help his "R" rating along (which he could have gotten with the language alone). The low-budget filming didn't bother me a bit; it was a little choppy to be sure but on the whole very effective for what the director was trying to do. I have never been afraid of sharks (maybe I'd change my mind if I ever encountered one in the wild!) so the swimming with sharks thing didn't bother me nearly as much as it did my shark-o-phobic husband. :) The ending was awful; it was truly the worst part of the movie. Call me unrealistic or old-fashioned, but I kind of like fairytale/Hollywood endings and this one really horrified me. The best part of the whole DVD was watching the special features section where they explained how they "choreographed" the sharks swiming around the actors. Other than that, this film was a complete waste of time.

The part of this review that is in bold is the part that I take slight issue with. Open Water is supposed to be a horror/suspense type film and this reviewer takes issue with the fact that the ending horrifies them? Perhaps you may want to avoid anything that is listed under the horror genre if all you are looking for is "fairytale/Hollywood" endings. You may most especially want to avoid those horror movies if they are of the more independent variety as they tend to have much less happy endings than your average Hollywood horror movie.

Now I know that these two reviews have not been as fun and as awesome as the reviews in the first installment of this column and that is part of the reason I put it off for so long. I really just wasn't running across any reviews that were completely worthy of a write up. However, when I came across this next review it completely made my day and I felt the need to share it. It is a review of The Green Mile (1999) from the Amazon customer reviews:

The reviewer of this movie said people complain about books being better, well thats just stupid. Books suck, books dont make you laugh, cry, think, fear, or give you action. Movies will always be better then books, no matter what, because books are words, movies are fun. This movie is the best drama ever, it made me cry and im a dude, nuff said. Great performances, great story, great drama, great movie, forget books, incase you haven't noticed the academy doesn't give the books the oscar for screenplay, movies are based on books, they arent made from books, anyone who doesnt like a movie because it wasnt like the book is a MORON, movies are not books, movies are entertainment, not punishment.

Wow. Just Wow. This same reviewer had several other reviews on Amazon that had the same "reading sucks" approach to movie reviews. I absolutely love how the review compares reading to a form of punishment. How he uses the fact that books don't get Oscars as evidence of just how truly irrelevant they are just makes my day. Because, or course we all know that there are no other awards out there that are given to great books and great authors. I am not even sure what to think of the assertion that books can not generate an emotional response.

Honestly this review just reminds me of that recent quote from Kanye West; "Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed... I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book's autograph." Read that full article here.

Keep in mind this is exactly how society got the way it was in the book Fahrenheit 451. It didn't start with a government crack down on books or anything like that. It all started with the public becoming apathetic towards literature and any type of critical thinking. The government just took advantage of it when they saw that no one was really doing any thinking for themselves. The attitude towards books presented in this review (and by Kanye) makes me fear that this kind of future could happen.

Now, just so I don't leave you on a depressing note, I will add one more very short review that I found for Wall-E (2008) on Netflix:

"If an animated version of The Cable Guy tickles your fancy, you might give Wall-E a try."

I have absolutely no clue what this review is trying to say. I can't think of a single thing that these two movies have in common.